Cooking with Smough
by The Moiderah of Writing
Summary: Come watch Cooking with Smough, the brand new cooking show catering to survivors of Lordran just like you! Tired of starving to death as your family succumbs to the Darksign? Want to enjoy your meals before your entire town falls to the abyss? Executioner Smough will help you out in your troubled times, and will even give you tips! It's Cooking with Smough: Fridays at 4:30 PM.


**[Cooking with Smough: Episode 1 "Spice it up a notch!"]**

A camera pans into a kitchen surrounded by cheering hollows. Said kitchen is rather ornate, with one skillet, a red-hot wood oven, and an enormous, armored man with a very large hammer. He hefts the massive weapon over his shoulder, and he waves to the camera.

"Hello, and welcome back to _Cooking With Smough_!" His voice rumbles through the crowd, and they seem to cheer as he yells. "I'm your host, Executioner Smough, together with my lovely assistant, Dragon Slayer Ornstein!"

Dressed in a pink apron and a chef's hat, along with his golden armor, is a former member of the Four Knights. The man is muttering under his breath, mumbling something about "killing Gwyndolin in his sleep" as he walks over to the "esteemed" Executioner. "What fresh hell might await us today?" He says.

"Well, honey buns..."

Ornstein visibly gags.

"We're going to be taking advantage of the recent influx of undead! Just in case you haven't noticed, there is a _lot _of undead, hollowed beings flooding our lovely city of Anor Londo! And, since they're so _dry _and _spindly, _it's especially hard to use them for a proper meal!"

Ornstein looks _horrified, _and starts cursing his fate.

"First, we're going to need a volunteer from the audience." The hollows, being what they are, start waving madly. They are all clamoring for a place on Smough's show. "Okay, you there, in the back with the red tunic!"

The hollow is brought forward by his fellows. He moans in happiness as Smough brings him to a nearby stone bowl. "Now, the first thing you should do is to make sure that they're ready." He looks around them. "Make sure they're dry! You don't want a slurry of red goop when you're done. No need to restrain them, as they are perfectly docile!"

Ornstein looks in morbid fascination. "Uh...what art thou going to-"

"And then you _crush!" _With no warning, he _slams _the hammer into the hollow in the bowl. One hit, and the undead is reduced to a moaning mass of cracked bones and dried flesh.

"Unhnnnnnnnnnnnnnghguhgh."

"Oh, I didn't crush him well enough!" Smough says. "How unfortunate! Now, if this happens, then you need to just _smash him again!" _Another hit with the hammer, and the moaning stops with a lovely _snapping _sound.

"Oh, curse the _gods." _Ornstein stares at the pile of parts in the bowl.

"And even then, you're not done. What you need to do afterwards is _grind." _And with that, Smough sends the hammer _back _into the bowl, and proceeds to turn the hammer back and forth. With each turn, Ornstein looks more and more sick.

"For the love of the _sun, _wouldst thou stop with that infernal _grinding?!"_

The Dragonslayer is completely ignored. "And finally..." Smough raises the bowl. "You then press the remains into a small container. Preferably, something like a salt shaker. If the parts are too large, such as this humerus here." He points to the bone. "Then you just need to keep grinding!" He throws the bowl back to the ground, shattering several of the tiles on the floor before bashing it with his hammer again.

"What is _with _thou and _grinding?!"_

"It's fun and I enjoy it. That's what is with me and grinding."

Two minutes of pure grinding action later, and the poor hollow is now a ruined pile of powderized flesh. "Now, you can do many things with this, but for now, we'll just be using it as breading!"

Ornstein takes a step backwards.

"We'll be needing another volunteer from the audience!" He points. "Green's a complimentary color! You're next!" The hollow is a lot fleshier than the red one. In fact, he was probably overweight when he was fully human. "Now, we'll be needing help from Mister Ornstein in a moment."

"Oh, no. I shall not having a _single _part of thi-"

"Just a stab in the heart. That's all you need." Smough says. "One _tiny stab._"

Ornstein rolls his eyes, grabs a spear, and stabs. The hollow dies instantly.

"Good, now for the breading process." He grabs several of the limbs and _tears _them off. "Now, I've already made a batter. If you want to know how to make this batter, buy my book: Surviving the Undead with a Healthy Appetite: By Executioner Smough."

"Thou hast a _book?_" Ornstein deadpans. "For what need wouldst a man purchase such an atroci-"

The live feed cuts as a commercial wipes the screen. "I use this book every day!" Says Quelaag, before she's wiped away by a transition. "It's a fantastic piece of literature," says Seath, though the cover of the book is clearly photoshopped onto something _else _that he's in the process of reading. "Help me!" says an undead soldier, before he's impaled on Artorias' blade. The Abysswalker, corrupted by the very thing he walks, then flips the camera a thumbs up.

The transition then returns to the kitchen. "And there you have it! Buy it now, or suffer the consequences!"

Ornstein is just staring at the camera, then he looks at Smough, then he looks back at the camera. "What."

"And now, I already had a batch of fried undead in the oven, ready to eat!" He pulls it out with his own gloved hands. "Mmmmmmmmm-mm! Delicious!"

The food looks grey and cracked. If the flesh looked bad enough without the batter, it certainly looks worse now that it's essentially undead flesh covered in undead flesh. It looks as though someone tried pasting skin onto a burned victim, and said skin was dry. "This is the result. It's a_very _crunchy treat, if I do say so myself!" He smells the arm. "So good!"

"Curse the-"

"I hope you enjoyed this episode of _Cooking with Smough_!" He cuts the Dragonslayer off before he can start swearing. "See you next week, when we tell you how the bones of criminals can enhance the flavor of drake flesh!"

**A/N:**

**The idea came from the "Red Souls" thread on Spacebattles. It's by Thagguy; you should go check it out!**


End file.
